I Don't Believe I'll Be Ok: A Juderman
by RetroGeek
Summary: After Jude finds out about her dad’s second life, will Jude ever be able to love? A Juderman
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Stuart Harrison knew what he was doing was wrong. He was betraying everyone he loved and cared for most of all for her. He was betraying everything he believed in. Most of all, he was betraying his wife. The one he used to love eons ago and had promised to stay faithful to until death took its toll. The one he met on that warm April spring afternoon and instantly fell in love with. He gave up the lifestyle of drinking, partying, and endless one-night stands and settled down with her. Now he was having an affair with another woman. With a woman he met while he planned taking his daughter, Sadie, to Europe. He knew this was wrong. He knew he had to stop it before things turned worse. He knew. The only problem was, he couldn't, you see. He was in love with her as crazy and wrong as it all sounded. He didn't want things to have to turn out like this. He wished he could have fixed his marriage with Victoria. But you see, he did try. He really did. He knew things were never going to be like they once were. It was too late now. He was already in too deep.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Jude was lying in her bed that Saturday night crying herself to sleep. This has had to have been at least the fourth time she had done this in the past week. Her parents had been arguing a lot lately. Her mom had just lost her job and they were low on finances.

"Victoria, for the last God damn time, what did I say about using the credit card? You know we're low on money and have been for a while. You just can't go lolly gagging all day long and spend it on whatever you want! I thought we agreed it was only to be used for emergencies!" Stuart yelled.

"For God sakes! It was only $50! It's not like I spent all of our credit card!" Victoria yelled.

"You might as well have!" Stuart laughed in frustration. "You know what Victoria, spend the whole damn credit card for all I care. I don't care anymore. I'm done arguing with you. I'm done."

"Stuart, where are you going?" Victoria asked worriedly.

"None of your business," Stuart said hatefully. He grabbed his keys and slammed the door making the sound vibrate through the house.

Victoria sat down on the couch and put her head in her hands. She tried to blink back tears, but all of her emotions she had been hiding all came pouring out. She wanted her marriage to work out. She needed it to work out. Not just for her, but for Sadie and Jude as well. Her parents got divorced when she was growing up and knew the pain it caused you. She didn't want to go through the same thing with Jude and Sadie.

Stuart pulled up to a house that was all too familiar. He'd always come here when he and Victoria were arguing. He needed to know that someone still loved him even if his marriage was on the rocks. Even though this time, he knew he had come for a reason. He got out of his car and walked up the front porch of Yvette's house. He rang the doorbell and soon he saw her open the door and invite him inside. He took a step down the hall and could soon smell the aroma of hot tea fill the air. He settled himself at the kitchen table and soon began talking. He talked of all the arguments him and Victoria were having and the doubts he had that they were going to stay married much longer. Yvette listened with interest and took her hand in his and traced little circles around his hand to comfort him. She soon saw tears in his eyes and wiped them away with her thumb. She whispered in his ear that everything was going to be. She didn't even think for a second he believed her words. Hell, she didn't believe them either. She knew better from her first husband. She then got up and poured two cups of steaming tea and set the mug in front of him. He slowly took a sip and let his tears stop. She soon sat across from him and held his hand in hers once again.

After they were done with their coffee, they sat on her couch and cuddled while watching some TV.

"Yvette, listen, there's something I need to talk to you about," Stewart began.

"Can it wait?" Yvette pleaded.

He was about to protest until she cut him off and kissed him sweetly on the lips. He kissed her back and then he slowly set her down so he was on top of her. They soon began making out and without breaking the kiss made their way upstairs.

Stuart woke up to see Yvette already up and getting dressed rather quickly.

"Yvette, can I talk to you about something?" Stuart asked.

"Honey, I'm sorry, but I can't talk right now. I have to get to an 8 'o clock meeting. Can it wait until later?"

"Sure. It was nothing important," Stuart said grimly.

"Good. Well, I'll see you later," she said as she gave him a quick peck on the lips and left him alone with his thoughts.

Stewart sighed. He needed to talk to Yvette before it was too late. He didn't want to get his family involved in this mess. He needed to end the affair now and he knew it. He just needed the right time and setting.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Author's Note: I decided to change the title of my story. I thought it suited it better. Anyway, I know this chapter is short. I'm sorry. There will be lots of drama in the next one, though. :)**

**Disclaimer: I forgot to put the disclaimers in the two previous chapters. Sorry about that. I do not own Instant Star or any of it's characters.**

Stuart pulled up to his house. It was nearing 8:30 and he knew Victoria would be furious at him. He turned the lock slowly and quietly hoping nobody would hear him. He was out of luck though because he saw Sadie, Jude, and Victoria standing there waiting for him.

"Stuart! Where in the hell were you? You had us all worried sick!" Victoria screamed.

Stuart calmly set his keys and jacket down and said, "I was staying at a hotel. I needed some time to think."

"Think about what exactly?"

"Victoria, can we discuss this later?"

"No, Stuart, we are discussing this right now! Whatever you have to say to me can be said in front of Jude and Sadie too."

"I just needed some air. Some time to think about our argument."

"And what is your decision?" Victoria asked tapping her foot.

"That I'm not sorry for yelling at you. I'm not sorry, Victoria. I'm not apologizing when I know I didn't do anything."

"God damnit, Stuart. I'm not the one that yelled at you for spending a lousy $50!"

"Victoria, please. I'd rather not discuss this right now," Stuart said as he saw tears forming in Jude's and Sadie's eyes.

"Oh, girls. Come here," Stuart said as he hugged both of his children. "Everything will be ok. Don't worry about us."

"I'm not an idiot, Dad. I know everything will not be ok," Sadie said.

"Good job, Stuart. You ruined the last good thing in your life. Congratulations," Victoria said.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from you," Victoria said as she grabbed her jacket, keys, and slammed the door on her way out.

"Dad, will you and Mom be ok?" Jude asked as she cried into her dad's shoulder.

"To be honest with you honey, I have no clue," Stuart said as he held his two daughters close to him.

**Remember to review! **


	4. chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Stuart paced around his living room. He had just called Yvette and she was on her way over. He still had no idea how he was going to break the news to her. He still had no idea what he was going to say when he rang his doorbell three minutes later. He looked out the peephole and saw her standing there with a smile on her face.

"Hi Yvette, come on in," Stuart greeted her.

Yvette came in and kissed him on the lips softly.

"Boy, do I have a surprise for you," Yvette said with a seductive smile on her face.

"Yvette, I really need to talk to you. It's important."

"Can it wait?" Yvette asked.

Stuart sighed. He really needed to break it off with her. He wouldn't let her have her way this time. No, he was putting his foot down.

"Yvette, listen-" He started.

He turned around and saw Yvette in a see through two-piece lingerie piece. His mouth dropped to the floor and almost swallowed his tongue.

"Now, what were you going to say?" Yvette asked.

"Um, it, it was nothing," Stuart stammered.

"Come here," Yvette said as they made their way over to the couch.

Jude walked up to her house. It was now 3:30 and she had just gotten back from school. The seniors had started their midterms today and Jude knew Sadie was already home. Jude opened the door slowly and heard noises coming from the couch.

"Sadie! What did I say about keeping it PG-13 in here!" Jude yelled.

Jude had already caught Sadie with her boyfriend, Kwest, once. She didn't want to be scarred for live again.

Once Jude walked into the house, she saw it was not Kwest and Sadie, but some stranger and some weird guy.

Once Yvette and Stuart heard Jude come in, they jumped up from the couch and Jude saw it was not some weird guy. That guy was her dad with some other lady different from her mom.

"Jude, um, what are you doing home so early?" Stuart asked timidly.

"Dad, it's 3:30," Jude said matter of factly.

Stuart looked at his watch and his eyes widened. It was exactly 3:32. Shit.

"What is going on here?" Sadie asked as she came downstairs.

"I'm home!" Victoria yelled.

Stuart really fucked up this time.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

A week later Jude sat in the studio trying to record her new song _Skin._

Drift away to a place  
Another kind of life  
Take away the pain  
I create my paradise

Everything I've held  
Has hit the wall  
What used to be yours  
Isn't yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking  
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

"Stop!" Tommy yelled to Jude once again.

Jude stopped singing. She couldn't get the song right. She kept tearing up in the middle of it.

"Give us five," Tommy said to everyone.

Tommy walked over to Jude with impatience in his eyes.

"Jude, what's wrong? You always keep crying in the middle of it," Tommy said trying to help Jude.

"I'm sorry, Tommy, but I don't want to talk about it," Jude said softly while tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Jude, everything will be ok. I know it," Tommy said trying to comfort her.

"How do you know, Tommy? Were you the one that saw your dad having sex with another woman right in front of your eyes?" Jude yelled.

"Jude, calm down," Tommy said.

"No! I will not calm down, Tommy. Don't tell me to calm down!" Jude yelled.

Jude looked at Tommy and could tell he was getting hurt by her bitter words. Jude slammed the door and walked out of G Major.

"T, you need to talk to her," Kwest said coming up to him. He had just finished making his sandwich.

"I know, man. I'm trying, but she doesn't want to talk to me," Tommy said.

"Just give her time. She'll come around," Kwest said. He patted Tommy on the back.

"Well, she better make it quick," Tommy said. "This is the last song that needs recording and then her first album will be out."

"_This is going to be interesting," _Tommy thought to himself.

Jude didn't know where she was going. She just kept walking where her feet were taking her. She stopped and stared at the house in front of her. She walked up to the front porch and rang the doorbell.

"Jude, what are you doing here?" Spied asked.

Jude didn't say anything. She just simply walked past him and paced around the room. She was like that for another ten minutes until Spied finally broke the silence between them.

"Jude, why don't you have a seat?" Spied asked her.

Jude took a seat next to him and put her head in her hands. Soon, her shoulders started moving and Spied could tell Jude was crying.

"Spied, what are you doing-" Jude started to ask.

Spied took his thumb and started wiping away her tears with it. He hugged her and at first she just stared at him, then gave into the hug and hugged him back.

"Jude, I'm not sure what's wrong, but everything will be ok," Spied tried to comfort her.

Jude knew Tommy said the same thing to her and she blew up at him, but somehow his words soothed her. They made her feel like everything really would be ok.

Instead of going back to G Major, Jude walked back to he house and saw her dad packing his things in suitcases.

"Dad, what are you doing?" Jude asked.

"Jude, I'm sorry to say this, but your mom and I have decided to get a divorce," Stuart said.

His words hit Jude all at once. She knew her mom was mad at her dad and would probably never be able to forgive him, but Jude never thought her parents would really ever get a divorce.

"What?" Jude asked as she was close to tears.

"Honey, I'm sorry, but your mom and I, we are really getting divorced," Stuart said once again.

Jude wished she was dreaming. Oh God, please be a dream. Jude pinched herself. No, this wasn't a dream. It was real. Jude's parents were getting a divorce and there was nothing she could do about it.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

A week later, Jude still hadn't finished recording her song and the deadline was in another two weeks. Everyone at G Major was past the line of impatience with Jude, especially Tommy. Nobody knew her circumstances except for Spied. Everyone else was clueless and wondered why it was so hard for Jude to record this song.

Jude was in the recording studio with Tommy and they were about to begin their sixth recording that day.

"In one, two, three, four, go," Tommy said wearily.

I drift away to a place

Another kind of life  
Take away the pain  
I create my paradise

"Stop!" Tommy yelled. Jude stopped singing and was sobbing again. 

"Jude, why don't you go take a break," Tommy said.

Jude got up and walked out of her recording studio to SME's recording studio. Luckily, they weren't recording at the moment and just goofing around. Jude had to duck as she saw a drumstick almost hit her head.

"Hey Dude," Spied said. He smiled at her searching for a smile on her face but all he got was a frown.

"What's wrong?" Spied asked Jude.

"Tommy expects me to record, but I just can't Spied."

Spied knew why she couldn't record. She was still hung over her parents' divorce.

"What's wrong with Dude?" Wally whispered to Kyle.

Kyle just shook his head and mumbled, "Girls."

They both laughed then shut up when they saw Jude's hands ball into fists.

"Jude, let's talk somewhere else," Spied said.

They walked out the doors of G Major and stood in silence for a bit.

"Spied, you're the only one that understands me. Tommy wants me to record my song, Darius wants a single, and my parents want me to accept their divorce," Jude said quietly. "I can't take it anymore."

Spied just stood their next to Jude. He wanted nothing more to take her in his arms and kiss her. He knew he couldn't though. Not in the state she was in.

"So, are you about ready to go back inside?" Spied asked Jude after a while.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Jude smiled at Spied as they walked back through the doors of G Major.

Maybe he was finally making progress.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

A week later, Jude's dad finally had everything of his out of their house and moved into his new apartment with Yvette. Jude hated Yvette. Every time she saw her dad, there she was smiling at her and it took all of Jude's strength just to not kill her right then and there.

"What do you want to do today, girls?" Yvette asked her and Sadie as they were sitting at their kitchen table.

"Nothing with you," Sadie mumbled under her breath. Yvette didn't hear her, but her dad just gave a don't you dare start anything look.

"Sadie, I believe Yvette asked you a question," Stuart said.

"What if we don't want to do anything with her, Dad? Don't you think we already suffered enough when we saw you doing her on our couch?" Jude yelled.

"Jude, let's just have a nice day without any arguments," Stewart said sternly.

They sat in silence for a little bit, until Jude finally broke the silence between everyone.

"Can we just go home?" Jude asked.

"Jude! No, you will not go home! You need to start accepting that me and Yvette love each other!"

"Like you loved Mom?" Jude asked silently.

"Jude, just drop it. We aren't having this discussion anymore," Stewart said.

The rest of the day was miserable. They spent the whole day at the Toronto Zoo being dragged around my Stuart and Yvette and tried to look happy. Then they went for ice cream and Jude "accidentally" spilt her ice cream on Yvette's blouse.

They were now back home and Victoria was talking with her divorce lawyer, Don, and they were flirting. It sickened Jude to see them like that.

"Uh um!" Jude cleared her throat as she walked into the kitchen.

"Hello, honey. Don and I were just going over some paperwork. Why don't you have a seat?"

"No thanks," Jude said quickly. "I think I'm going to go over to Spied's. See you later."

"Ok. Bye, honey. Be sure to be back in time for dinner!" Victoria called out.

Jude walked up to Spied's porch and rang the doorbell.

"Hi, Jude. Come on in," Spied greeted her.

Jude sat down on his couch and turned the TV on. This was now a daily thing for Jude. She would come over here and spill out her problems to Spied. Then she would come back home and pretend everything was ok when it really wasn't.

"Jude, talk to me," Spied said.

Jude looked Spied in the eyes. Oh how she loved his eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes she has ever seen.

"Jude!" Spied yelled as he took Jude out of her daze. She was getting lost in Spied again.

"What? Sorry, I was just, thinking," Jude spat out.

"Jude, everything will be alright. I know it," Spied said as he took Jude in his arms. Just the touch of his skin against hers' made her whole body feel electric. She didn't know why she always got butterflies in her stomach when she was around him. She just wanted it to stop.

They sat like that for another five minutes or so, then watched some TV curled up on the couch together until Jude left for dinner.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Jude stood in the recording studio again. She was feeling better than before and felt like she really could get her song recorded.

"And one, two, three, four!" Tommy yelled.

I drift away to a place  
Another kind of life  
Take away the pain  
I create my paradise

Everything I've held  
Has hit the wall  
What used to be yours  
Isn't yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking  
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

So what you had didn't fit  
Among the pretty things  
Never fear, never fear  
I now know where you've been

Braids have been un-tied  
As ribbons fall away  
Leave the consequence  
But my tears you'll taste

Falling apart and all that I question  
Is this a dream or is this my lesson

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

I don't believe I'll be alright  
I don't believe I'll be OK  
I don't believe how you've thrown me away  
I do believe you didn't try  
I do blame you for every lie  
When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine

Oh, he's under my skin  
Just give me something to get rid of him  
I've got a reason now to bury this alive  
Another little white lie

Oh my permission to sin  
You might have started my reckoning  
I've got a reason now to bury him alive  
Another little white lie

"And that's a wrap!" Tommy yelled.

Everyone screamed and jumped up and down. Jude had finally finished the last song on her album and everyone was overwhelmed with happiness.

"Girl, you did it. You finished your first album," Tommy said. "Give me a high five."

Jude gave him a high five and hugged everyone. She smiled when she saw SME come over.

"Dude, you did it!" Spied yelled. "Come here."

Jude hugged Spied, but didn't want to let go. They finally let go and stared into each other's eyes. Wally and Kyle came up interrupting their moment.

"Dude, congrats!" Kyle said.

"Finally," Wally mumbled. Jude playfully punched him in the arm.

"Harrison, you hit like a girl," Wally said. She knew he was lying because he was bending over in pain. Jude laughed.

"What do you say, party at my place?" Wally asked. "There will be beer, and lots of it."

Spied cringed at the thought of beer. Last time there was a party at Wally's and Spied had a little too much to drink.

Flashback 

"_Come on, Spied," Monica said drunken. "You know you want me."_

_Spied laughed and lightly kissed Monica. Soon things got pretty heated up and the next thing he remembered was waking up in a bedroom completely naked with her. They heard footsteps coming but it was too late. Wally already saw them._

"Don't worry, Spied. I was kidding about the Monica part," Wally laughed at the expression on his face.

"Well then, in that case I'll be there," Spied said.

"We'll all be there," Jude said. She and Spied exchanged a smile and Wally and Kyle just stood there dumfoundingly.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The speakers were playing very loud music. Everyone was dancing in mobs and Jude and Spied didn't even try to dance. Neither one of them had a drop to drink since they came, but everyone else was either drunk or on their way to being drunk.

"So then, I said…" Some drunken guy was saying to Jude. Jude wasn't even paying attention.

"Um, I'm sorry, but I have to go," Jude said hurriedly and walked away. She soon was by Spied's side.

"Hey Jude. How's the party?" Spied asked her.

"All of these drunken guys are hitting on me," Jude said.

"Do you want me to beat them up for you?" Spied asked jokingly. He flexed his muscles and put a tough look on his face.

Jude laughed. "No, it's alright. I like leading them on."

Spied laughed.

"I have a surprise for you," Spied said to Jude.

"Oh really? And what is that?" Jude asked.

"You'll find out in 1, 2, 3, 4…"

"What?" Jude asked confusingly. Until she could say anything else a guy that held the microphone asked Jude to come up and sing for them along with SME.

"Spied!" Jude said embarrassed. "You know I have stage fright."

"Right. Which is exactly why I sent you up there," Spied said. "You're going to have to face your fears sooner or later, so I figured sooner was better. Now come on Harrison. I don't want to have to carry you up there."

Jude wanted Spied to, but of course she didn't say anything so she just walked up with SME beside her and sang _Skin_ to a big mob of complete strangers. Once she was done, everyone clapped and praised her.

"Dude, that was awesome," Kyle said.

Jude smiled at his remark. She had Spied to all thank her for this. She was about to thank him when she didn't see him anywhere.

"Do you know where Spied went?" Jude asked.

Kyle and Wally pointed outside. Jude walked outside and saw candles and rose petals all along Wally's deck. She saw a blanket and a picnic basket even though it was 2 am. She looked around and saw how beautiful Spied had made it. They were away from everyone and Jude wondered why Spied had done this.

"Spied, if this is just a lame attempt to sleep with me, it's not going to work," Jude said once she saw Spied.

"Jude, I'm not trying to get in your pants. Just sit down," Spied said while pointing at the blanket. Jude took a seat and Spied soon took the contents out of the picnic basket and spread it in front of them.

"I have your favorite. J shaped chocolate chip pancakes. Of course mine is shaped like an S. "

"Spied, how'd you know?" Jude asked in wonder.

"Remember that one time I came over to your house? Your mom made you J shaped pancakes."

"Oh yeah, and then Kyle and Wally came over and we all had a huge food fight which involved a lot of syrup," Jude said laughing.

"I remember trying for days trying to get all of the syrup out of my hair. Fun times, fun times."

They smiled at each other and then Jude took the stick of butter and spread some of it on her pancakes then poured some syrup over them. She then took her fork and soon finished eating them.

"Thank you for doing what you did back inside," Jude said.

"Oh, it was no problem."

"I couldn't have done it without you," Jude smiled.

There was a silence between them until Jude finally broke it.

"Spied, why'd you do all of this?" Jude asked.

Spied just sat there and stared into her eyes. He watched her chew on her pancakes for a minute then answered her question.

"Jude, I'm just going to come right out and say it. You're my moon, my stars, my everything. You're the air I breathe. Jude, I love you. I love you so much. I can only hope you feel the same way back," Spied confessed.

Jude just sat there in silence for a few moments.

"And you don't feel the same way," Spied said hurt. He started to walk away when Jude grabbed his hands and sat him down.

"Spied, I do love you. I love you so much. I'm glad I can finally say it."

"So am I," Spied said as he passionately kissed her on the lips. For the rest of the night they just sat there in each other arms and gazed at the stars and wondered what was to come on the long journey ahead of them. The journey of life.


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Jude and Spied have been together now for almost eight years and still are going strong. Today, Spied proposed to her and she said yes. They are now engaged and planning to get married sometime in May. They also have a little one on the way. If it's a girl, they are naming her Anna, if it's a boy; they're naming him Steven. Spied is secretly hoping it's a girl, but shh. He doesn't want you to tell Jude.

Kwest and Sadie are now married and have two little boys, Evan and Vincent. Hm, I wonder where Vincent came from… :)

Stewart and Yvette have been married for five years and have one three-year-old daughter named Amanda.

Don and Victoria have been married for four years and have no kids. They now live in the Bahamas enjoying life in tropical paradise.

There you have it. My story is complete. I hoped everyone liked it. :)


	11. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

My story is complete. I had fun writing it and look forward to writing new stories. I hope you all enjoyed my story. Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews everyone. I couldn't have finished it without you.

This is my first fan fiction I have ever totally finished. On my other fan fictions, I would never complete them. I'm very proud to say I've completed this one. I know for here on, it will be easier for me to finish all of my stories and to not give up. For anyone that loves to write, don't give up on your stories. It usually results in very angry readers. Haha. Just remember, never give up!

I'm currently writing a story now. It's not a fan fiction, it's just a regular story. When I finish it and if I think it's good enough, I'll post it on That story is longer than this story. The first chapter is about 1,200 words and the first chapter to this story was much shorter. I hope to improve in my writing skills.

Anyway, once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to review and read my story. I love you all. :)


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